Mary Roach: 10 things you didn't know about orgasm | Video on TED.com

Mary Roach: 10 things you didn't know about orgasm | Video on TED.com

Stranger Danger .....

"The one horrifying story I have that causes ME caution, was long ago, and it probably doesn't apply here, but I'll mention it: a childhood friend of mine went on a trip with a group of new friends he met. They turned out to be a cult of some sort, who were seeking a sacrificial victim. They killed him, cut him into pieces, and left him strewn around the countryside. Up until they did that, they seemed very nice and friendly. Like I said, though entirely true, this is an extreme example, and probably the sort of thing your friends and family are concerned about."

Second Date Dilema...

Question.

Hi.. I am trying to work out what to do for a 2nd date for someone I dated on the weekend, but I need some help.

I told the woman I like that next time I would like to take you out for dinner. She said 'I would really like that'..
Tonight while chatting I asked her if she liked chinese food and she said it's ok.
I then asked her what are some places that she likes to eat out at?...
And she said 'I don't go out much'....

I asked her then 'what are some places that you have tried there food before and you really liked''... She said Í don't really like take away I mostly like home cooked meals or hospital foods (cause she works at one as a radiotherapist)

So I am scratching my head as to what we can do for a 2nd date I need some help what else could I offer or do for her something that is nice and thoughtful for her.

Reply 1

Most times if you tell a woman (either when she asks directly or when you pick her up) "ok babe- I know this great little Chinese bistro called "Mai Long Dong"...have you have been there?

barring her saying she really doesn't like Long Dong's because she got sick last time had their food in her mouth, she's gonna be fine with it.

just be a man and take charge, yet be open and have options...

for all you know- Mai Long Dong could have been her favorite place that she and an ex loved to dine at...

Reply 2

"Sounds like your dating a woman Paul.
1. How about dinner out?
2. Great I would love that...I love dinner out.
3. You like Chinese?
4. No. Hate it.
5. You like Mexican?
6. No. Terrible...very fatty...not good for you.
7. What kind of food out do you like?
8. Actually, I don't like eating food out at all.
9. ahh...what??
10. No, I like home cooked meals.
....never mind, I have an appointment for a labotomy, where they are going to severe a part of my brain....lets have this conversation after that procedure.

Anyway, what I think you were suppose to say is: "Ok great, forget the dinner out then, I'll make you a home cooked meal." "How about Veal Scallopini, with Linguini and white clam sauce? I heard clams are really good for the after digestion part. You bring dessert...my favorite part."



You can still do it. Get everything ready at the house there. When yo go to pick her up, take her to your place. Have a coat and hat at the door. Act the part of the Matre De as soon as you get there, tell her you have a special table waiting for her, sit her down, light some candles. Pop open a glass of wine and pour a glass for her. Have a pre-printed "no-choice" menu. Offer it to her and tell her your going to go into the kitchen and put her order in.

Have a nice movie and some popcorn for later on...with a snuggle blanket.

Mai Long Dong's...nice one."

Love Cheat

"One of my exes (not from Texas) cheated whenever she could because her thinking was that she had to sleep with someone so they would like her, when the truth came out, I was devasted. It was like being emotionally and or psychologically abused.

I tried to forgive her but her past misdeeds always played with my thoughts and I worried excessively about what health ramifications her reckless behaviour could potentially have on me and herself.

It got so bad I had a hard time looking in her eyes when we made love and within a short time frame, we separated.

She committed suicide close to one-year after we parted ways which also had devasting effects on my life and my thoughts about women and people in general, for many years after.

I never once cheated on her (or any girlfriend), had many opportunities and she accused me of it quite often. Soon it became apparent that her accusations towards me were to cover who own misgivings, if in her mind I'm cheating, then she might as well too. People try maintain and live monogamous lives but in truth I do not believe we are made to be like that, as many studies have shown. Unfortunately people seem to think that the most important aspect of a relationship is sex, when in fact it is mutual respect, trust and a desire to live a life that is two becoming one. Which gender cheats more? My personal experience is that women cheat more then men but it is likely very close in comparision and percent points.

Once a cheat always a cheat? That is my belief. I once met a beautiful, intelligent funloving lady. We went out a few times and became intimate, soon after (about 30 mins) her boyfriend arrived at her apartment and the sh*t hit the fan.

She started with the "I want to leave him", "I told him we were through" and so forth and we continued to see each other socially for a few weeks (no intimacy). I soon realized that if I was to get together with her in a relationship and she left the other guy, she was apt to do the same thing to me, which I heard she did to the next fool that fell for her.

The bars are filled with married, engaged, or dating people away from their partners who after a few drinks become more then willing to destroy the trust and respect that they had with their partner, why? Because they do not seem to know the difference between pleasure and happiness and love and sex.

The few moments of pleasure become more important then a lifetime of happiness. People like that who live their lives with the sole purpose of their own gratification and experiencing pleasure at the expense of others are simply a waste of skin and time, they are currently a dime a dozen in the bar, many churches and other meat markets or more likely representative of 50% of the adult population."

More here

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts1358897.aspx

Your man is getting distant ?

"Did you know that when a man stops “feeling it” for you, he’ll often decide he wants to LEAVE without warning or notice?

APRIL 7, 2010

tags: Attraction, Commitment Phobic Men, communication, distant,inspire, love, man, man and relationship, man distant, Man Withdrawal, men who can t love, relationship, why men won t commit, your

by Amy

The reality is that a man can just give up on you and your relationship without spending much if any time figuring out what might be going on, or how to make it work.

But it doesn’t have to be this way with a man.

There is one single thing you can do with a man that will keep him from ever questioning his love and desire to be with you.

Know what it is?

It’s that magic emotion we call ATTRACTION.

I want to share something important with you here…

Have you ever had a man tell you he’s not happy and wants to end your relationship?

And the more you tried to figure out why he was unhappy and “fix” things… the further he pushed you away.

You couldn’t understand why in the world he stopped loving and caring for you the way he used to… and it made no sense at all.

And to add further frustration to the pain, there really was no clear REASON WHY he stopped feeling it for you and decided he wanted to leave.

There was no single moment that you knew changed things for him.

So it drove you crazy trying to figure out what it really was that had changed the way he felt about you.

Now… if you’re like most women, this situation has happened to you at least once or twice in your life.

Or it may even be happening for you right now.

Point is, you know how devastating it can feel.

Well, the good news is that there is a whole lot of LEARNING and GROWTH that can take place in these moments (whether you believe it or not right now).

And these are also often the moments that start the process of CHANGE and TRANSFORMATION towards a better life.

To help you get the most from these moments in your life, and make sure you take away the lessons you were to learn… consider for a minute how you’ve dealt with situations like this in the past.

You may have done some or all of the following with a man when your relationship was falling apart and he said he wanted to leave:

1) You tried to “rationalize” the situation and tell him how good you think your relationship is, and how he’s wrong for not wanting it or seeing all the amazing things about it. But this NEVER helped.

2) You were sweeter and more affectionate, hoping he’d reciprocate and open back up to you… but all this did was annoy him.

3) The more hurt you felt, and the more he saw this, the LESS he seemed to pay attention to you and your feelings, or care. As a matter of fact, he may have become colder and MORE distant the more he saw that you were hurt.

4) You spent countless hours trying to TALK about what you were both feeling and “work” on things. But that only pushed him further away, no matter how much reasoning or understanding you did when it came to him, his feelings, and how to help him be happy.

Recognize any of these responses in your past?

If so, then believe it or not I have GOOD NEWS for you.

Let me explain why this is good news…

You may have noticed a kind of “trend” going on with all the common responses I listed above.

This “trend” goes something like this-

The HARDER you try with a man, and the more you attempt to TALK things out with him… the LESS RESPONSIVE and “emotionally available” he becomes with you.

Fascinating.

If you’re paying attention here, than you should have some light bulbs going off inside your head at this point.

Hopefully you’re starting to recognize a kind of PATTERN that has played out between you and the man in your life in your past.

This is your first step – to discover this PATTERN of your own… and keep CONSCIOUS of it and how it’s working AGAINST YOU with men.

Of course, when you start seeing these patterns in your life more clearly, some questions will quickly come up for you.

So here’s one of those important questions:

In those times when you’ve TRIED HARDER to make things work with a man and put MORE LOVE and ENERGY into a man and a relationship when he’s pulled away… is the reason that it hasn’t worked for you because you’re not SAYING the right things?

Or could it be that what you were saying didn’t really matter, because he had his mind already made up?

Important question.

Here’s the truth…

If you’ve been close to a man, shared an amazing level of love and connection… and you know what you’ve shared is “real”, then the reality is that when a man pulls away from you and tells you he’s unhappy and unsure of wanting to be with you…

On a “logical” level he has decided that he would like to try and move on.

But on a deeper EMOTIONAL LEVEL, a man has rarely made up his mind about not wanting to leave if you’re still close and he’s at all conflicted about things with you.

Deep down he still has that same place in his heart that wants to connect with you and share what you used to share – and would want to do so again if things were “different” than they’ve become.

After all, he felt strongly before. He wanted to be with you before things went wrong.

Now, some women sense this kind of thing where a man STILL HAS FEELINGS for them but is saying that he wants to leave… because they can sense it inside a man INTUITIVELY, which is great.

But here’s the problem with this…

Instead of using this intuition to their benefit… they actually end up SHOOTING THEMSELVES IN THE FOOT with it by trying to CONVINCE the man of what they can see INSIDE HIM… and try and SHOW HIM how to get back in touch with that place inside where he still love and cares for them.

If you know much about how human behavior works… or more importantly, about how men respond and LISTEN, then you know that trying to tell a man all the things YOU can see that he CAN’T isn’t a great way to approach things.

If you’re like lots of other women who have tried to “save” your relationship unsuccessfully – then some or all of the 4 common responses I described above ring true for you and didn’t work out well for you.

You “went with your gut” and your intuition, and tried to get a man to see all the things YOU KNEW to be true about him and your relationship.

But these weren’t the things that HE was able to hear or understand about you, about himself, or about your relationship.

To make a long story short… it’s important to remember that even though you see the “truth” of your situation and try to share it with a man… this is YOUR TRUTH, and NOT HIS.

He has an entirely different perspective all together.

Which is why trying to be the one to fix your relationship by CONVINCING a man of what YOUR INTUITION tells you doesn’t often “resonate” the same way for him the way it does for you when you talk about what you’re seeing and feeling.

In fact, sharing your own intuition about him and your relationship only makes him RESIST YOU even more… and want to get farther away from you and your old relationship.

WHY TRYING TO TALK THINGS THROUGH WITH HIM ISN’T THE ANSWER

OK, so let’s back up a bit, as I want to show you something else critical that’s going on here for you with men…

Think back to the day you first had “the talk” with a man where he admitted how he wasn’t into your relationship anymore:

“It’s just not working.”

“I love you. But I’m just not IN LOVE with you anymore.”

“I’m not happy.”

“I need my space.”

When a man said this… your first reaction was probably – “Let’s talk about it. Let’s make it better.”

You probably had some “heavy” talks with him, trying to figure out what went wrong and what you could do to get the love back again.

The talks made you upset, and even angry at times.

But you persisted because maybe you felt if you could talk things through and make him SEE how much you still cared for and loved him… then he would of course realize that you were “the one” for him.

Because at one time you had both shared such a great connection that you were sure you could get it back with “better communication”, and by figuring out what went wrong.

Or maybe you even suggested counseling – for yourself or for both of you.

You laid yourself out on the line… willing to DO and BE just about ANYTHING in order to make things right again, the way they USED to be, but better.

But he didn’t want any part in any of this.

Your friends and family probably told you that you were doing the right things, and that relationships take “work”…

And that if he wasn’t listening, opening up, and “getting it”… then HE was the one to blame.

That he was the one being selfish and immature.

Some of these other reasons made you feel a little bit better… but only for a moment.

It still didn’t explain why, despite everything you were doing to improve yourself and your relationship… he was still getting MORE and MORE distant and certain that he wanted to end things with you.

Until finally he broke it off for good.

Ouch.

A BETTER WAY

What if I were to suggest to you there was a way to actually REVERSE the break up and re-ignite his passion and feelings toward you that brought you together in the first place?

And what if you could do this quickly and easily… with a whole lot LESS EFFORT and frustration?

The thing is… for all your thinking, analyzing, worrying, and trying to do the right thing for your relationship… most women never recognize that they have been making a CRITICAL MISTAKE all along in this “save the relationship” process from the moment that bad “talk” took place.

And they never figure out that this one mistake they keep making is the thing that is actually pushing the man in their life FURTHER AWAY… instead of bringing him closer.

That mistake is simply trying to TALK your way back into having a great relationship. Most women think that talking things through is all it takes to make things better.

They couldn’t be more wrong.

What if I were to suggest to you that the best way to save your relationship isn’t more talking, or sacrificing, or convincing, or even criticizing?

It’s figuring out how to INSPIRE your man by doing the things and being the woman that made him feel passionate about you in the beginning.

The best way to inspire your man is to let go of the fears, resentments, over-functioning and general negative feelings that got you to this point in your relationship…

And then learn to bring back that warm, feminine energy that drew him to you in the first place.

But I have to be honest with you here.

If you’re sitting there thinking that transforming or saving your relationship has been and will be HARD and UNPLEASANT, then you’ll just be standing in your own way.

No matter what I have to tell you, it’s not going to help you.

You’ll just keep seeing everything you do as “work” and you’ll have a very bitter, negative attitude whenever things don’t change as quickly or completely as you want.

Which will do ZERO to draw your man closer to you and reconnect again.

Here’s the truth…

It doesn’t have to be hard at all.

Because if you’re able to make a critical psychological “shift” in the way you feel about YOURSELF and your relationship, the changes that need to happen are going to happen effortlessly and naturally.

Here are a couple examples of what I mean:

Let’s say you feel that you “do it all” in your relationship, and you’re always the one pushing for more affection, more commitment, more communication from your man.

What if you had a shift in thinking that actually allowed you to do a whole lot LESS, kick back, relax and then watch as your man STEPPED UP to do his share in the relationship?

Essentially, what if by doing LESS, you could get MORE?

Doesn’t that sound a whole lot better than doing more to get more (which may seem very hard and difficult)?

There’s a way to do this easily, and I’ll tell you how you can find this out in a second…

Let’s also say that every time you get to a certain point in a relationship, things start to fall apart.

You don’t feel great about yourself like you used to, and the relationship starts to feel “stale” in general.

It seems that you’ve given EVERYTHING to the relationship, and yet, you’re not happier and neither is your man.

What could be the reason this happens?

Often it’s because you’re “losing yourself” in the relationship.

That means you’ve stopped doing the things that matter to YOU and that make YOU happy in order to keep your man happy.

You stop exercising, you stop seeing your friends, you stop doing things you used to enjoy, like reading or taking long hikes on weekends.

On one hand, you think that because you’ve sacrificed so much to make your man happy, he really SHOULD be happier. Right?

WRONG.

The reality is that you’ve gotten out of touch with what makes you happy, and that translates into one important result:

You’re out of touch with your own NATURAL ABILITY to bring your man closer to you.

If you’re not the same woman you used to be, then you’re not the same woman he fell in love with.

It’s as simple as that.

HOW TO SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

You can Learn specific techniques for getting MORE out of your relationship by doing and demanding LESS.

And that is getting back to the “core” of who you are and your natural, feminine self that attracted your man to you in the beginning.

Getting back to the core of your most attractive and inspiring self means letting go of over-doing, over-worrying, over-analyzing and just working too hard to keep things going.

If you’ve been in a relationship that’s been troubled for a while, you know how the fights and disagreements can drag both of you down.

With “Meet and Keep The Right Man“, that can be a thing of the past… for good.

Don’t wait another minute before taking the right step to saving your relationship."

Men, Does every woman REALLY taste different?

"Pretty self explanatory question. I remember when my ex would go down on me he would always say 'you taste so good'. Which got me thinking. Does every woman really have a different taste and even perhaps smell? Also if you didn't like the way a woman tasted, would you stop giving her oral?"


http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts14179232.aspx

Ok, now I'm curious

A good friend of mine recently revealed to me that women who say they can feel a man cumming are lying. Is this true?

Let me clarify, I'm not talking about his shudders or twitches, I'm talking about when he ejaculates. Can women not feel the actual semen shooting into them?

Sorry if this seems rather crude. I just assumed that these women were being honest. Is this yet another thing women just say to turn guys on or to make us feel good?


http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts3236066.aspx

One way to get a New Boy/Girl friend

Go to India and join a crazy sect smoking dope and worshiping stone penises etc...

You know it is a guaranteed shag when you consider the type of person this appeals to nevermind the hypnotic effect of hashish, incense and the sitar !

Sixth sense really does exist: Research shows how brains of couples in love 'work together'

By RICHARD SHEARS
Last updated at 11:53 AM on 26th September 2010

• Comments (23)
• Add to My Stories

In sync: Dr Trisha Stratford's research shows how the brains of couples in love work together

An extraordinary scientific study has proved that a sixth sense between two people really does exist.

Dr Trisha Stratford, an expert on the how the brain behaves, has spent five years monitoring the way couples interact in a non-physical manner.

If they are close to one another mentally, particularly when they are in love, their brains appear to work together, the neuropsychotherapist has found.

Dr Stratford, who conducted her research at Sydney's University of Technology, concluded that two people can become physiologically aligned - with parts of their nervous systems beating in harmony - despite having no physical contact with each other.

'This study gives us a deeper understanding of what happens when people interact, including when a couple falls in love,' she said today.

She suggested that her research could provide clues about how to communicate with a potential partner using sixth sense, which she said had long been suggested but never extensively identified in science.

Dr Stratford told Fairfax media in Australia that an American psychiatrist, Carl Marci, had established a connection between two people, but his study in 2007 was limited and he called for more research.

By then, Dr Stratford had already started her own studies into the phenomenon, replicating Dr Marci's research, 'but then I froze that point of two people becoming one and looked at what was happening in the brain,' she said.

More...

• How are your joints, deer? How the animal kingdom helps to keep us healthy

'It was very exciting. When we're in this moment of oneness, or an altered state, the most exciting thing is that a part of the brain called the parietal lobe is fired into action.

'When this happens we can read each other's brains and bodies at a deeper level - a sixth sense.'

Her studies included looking at the behaviour of 30 volunteers aged from 21 to 65, who were assessed by six therapists who worked at lining up their own thoughts and emotions with those of the 'patients'.

The volunteers were all suffering from some kind of anxiety. Their 'body signals' were monitored by electrodes that were placed around the head to monitor brain waves in four different areas, while other monitors recorded heart and body movements.

Brain power: Dr Stratford said her research could provide clues about how to communicate with a potential partner using a 'sixth sense'

At the end of the sessions, the patients were shown to have lower anxiety levels and lower heart rates and all agreed they had benefited from the 'connection' with the therapists.

One of Dr Stratford's colleagues, Sara Lal, a senior lecturer in the unversity's molecular biosciences department, agreed that the visual and audio face-to-face communication between therapists and volunteer patients had resulted in the alignment of what is known as their autonomic nervous systems.

'It really is quite eerie when you see the traces on the screen start to match each other as they come into alignment,' Dr Lal told Fairfax media.

Researchers observed how the patients' body language changed as alignment of the nervous system occurred. Their eyes changed their focus and the patients become oblivious to their surroundings.

One of the scientists involved in the Australian research, psychotherapist Alan Meara, said sixth sense wasn't a magical occurrence.

'It is something that the human brain is wired to do,' he said. 'The research shows that we do have the capacity to understand people at a deeper level than we normal do in general conversation.'

So how does one communicate with a stranger - chat up a potential partner, perhaps?

'You need to give them your total, undivided attention,' said Dr Stratford.

'Listening is better than talking about yourself and the state of one-ness becomes strongest after two or three meetings.'

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1315326/Sixth-sense-really-does-exist-Research-shows-brains-couples-love-work-together.html#ixzz10gW0lwXd

What odd things you have found out about a girl/guy you were dating

"Question

What are some odd things you have found out about a girl/guy you were dating, when you stayed over? Does it cause you to double take how you see her/him?

I happen to have the ultra embarrassing habit of sleeping with a stuffed animal, yes I'm old(ish) but for me it's something that my mom had given me a long time ago, and since she is newly deceased it's just a comfort thing. It has never seemed to bug someone I had stay over, it usually ends up on the floor anyways. ;)

So naturally I am curious, including stuffed animals, what has caused you to raise your eyebrows, when they get ready for slumber?


Replies

That doesn't seem atypical for a woman.
---
She sleeps with this weiner dog who is such an attention whore, always has to be in between us when were sleeping, it burrows under the covers, wakes us up twice a night because she's hungry or wants outside. When I try to kiss my girlfriend she jumps in for a three way kiss, if you stop petting her she nudges you with her nose until you pet her again. Always there, once my girlfriend goes to sleep I toss the little fuker out of the room but she claws the door all night until I give in and let her back in..

---
I sleep with a mask because I am sensitive to light. Sometimes I use earplugs but not as often.

The strangest thing I have found in someone else...he slept in a house that had rats.

Yes he had rats in his house and it didn't seem to bother him until I saw one and ran out of his house screaming never to return."

More here
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts14187709.aspx

This is the Penis every Woman want!

Take Two - Stopping a Fight Before It Starts

Take Two - Stopping a Fight Before It Starts

Everyone screws up and says stupid things, especially to their partners. People get tired and snappy, irritable and defensive. They can be downright insulting.  Everybody can.  But before these negative moments can cascade and bring on World War III, smart couples realize trouble is brewing and immediately take steps to avert it.  They signal each other to stop or repair the damage before it escalates into a vicious out-of-control war.

Reality is, in a sense, like a "movie" we are making all the time.  If you want to make a great romance, you need to practice "rewinding the tape" when you don't like "the take." What this means is that you and your partner agree that either of you can call out "Take Two" whenever you are hurt or offended by an interaction.

And you both agree to start the interaction all over again and construct it in a more loving win-win way - make it a happy improv.

For example, Sheila dances out of the bedroom with her new sexy outfit on and calls for her husband, Terry, to check it out.  He is totally oblivious, reading the paper.  She rips the paper away.  He scowls, "What the hell!"  Instead of bursting into tears or attacking Terry, Sheila bites her lip and says, "Take Two!"

Terry takes a deep breath and nods. She goes back into the bedroom and makes a new entrance in her dress. "Ta Da!" she says.  "A knockout!!  Turn around," Terry responds with a chuckle.

If your partner has trouble saying the words you need to hear on a Take Two, teach him/her.

Remember, it's your responsibility to shape your partner to give you what you need.

This exercise works really well once you get the hang of it.  I use it all the time in my marriage to defuse the hot spots before they become World War III.

Shy 25 year old at College - how To talk to girls ?

One forum response.  Most suggested getting some balls..

"I think you should throw a book infront of her to get her to stop and it will distract her as well. This is when you sneak up behind her and tap on her left shoulder from the right side. When she turns to the left, you should pivot to the right. This is important because then she will not see you, and you will have a chance to stick a love note to her back. This is where you throw down a smoke bomb and leave your phone # soaked into the floor with the blood of your enemies. 


Or you could just walk up and say "Hi I'm blank, I'm in blank, you look nice, do you have a phone #? I would like to get to know you better.""

Body Hair - to trim or not to trim

Self Full Filling Prophecies

"I once dated a woman who had her breast removed because of cancer. It was never an issue with me. I had accepted her as a whole person. She kept shooting herself in the foot because she could not understand how it was not an issue with me. I was able to look past it and see her as a beautiful woman, although, I did understand it was a life altering event. The reason we did not make it was not the fact of her breast, but she endedup being way to clingy, I had to call her twenty times a day, constantly telling her something nice, the minute I didn't, my phone would burn up. I couldn't get any work done.

In the end, guess what the reason she figured we didn't make it was, that's righ t, her breast.

My point is, do not make any of your self percieved short commings be the forefront of all discussion. If he accepts you for who you are, then accept what he is telling you. If you have an issue with the weight and he accepts you, from then on, the weight is only your problem, do not constantly ask him what he thinks about your weight."

From a forum Post

I'm Addicted to Dating!

I'm Addicted to Dating!

Shelley Walford's story, 39, from Essex


It was Saturday night. I poured another glass of wine for myself and tucked in to my takeaway for one. Absent mindedly flicking through the tv channels, mixed feelings of boredom, loneliness and sheer terror washed over me. After just four years of marriage, I was on my own again. And with the big 40 around the corner, I wasn't looking forward to being 'back on the market' one little bit.

Me and my ex had met through work. I was his boss. He was younger than me. There was a kind of ego power trip going on when we got married. It was fun. Adventurous. I felt in control, like I was his mistress. We'd met in March and were married by that December with a baby on the way. But the spark I'd mistaken for love was nothing more than excitement. It soon vanished and we both knew we'd rushed into things.

Four years later, I was a 39 year old single mum with very few single friends to go out with 'on the pull'. And despite the wonderful world of cosmetics, I wasn't the spring chicken I used to be. I certainly couldn't compete with the silky smooth, cellulite free species of half naked girls who thought a stretch mark was something you got in an over used pair of tights.

Of course, I had my six year old boy, Matthew, to keep me busy. But you soon get fed up with night after night sat in on your own with nothing but Thomas the Tank Engine for company.

My days of clubbing were over. I needed to meet single men in a more suitable fashion, in a way that didn't leave me looking desperate like Jennifer Saunders' sad character in Ab Fab. I was actually a very sociable and outgoing person, spending all day with all sorts of people as a fully qualified nurse. Being on my own scared me more than the thought of a date with strangers. I just needed to meet them in the first place.

"Why don't you give the personals column in the local paper a go?" suggested a friend one day.

"No way!" I laughed. "That's so sad!"

The next day I went out and bought a local paper, turned straight to the personals section and read the ads with curiosity. I decided it wasn't that bad. I'd give it a go.

'Bubbly blonde looking for friendship. Maybe more.' It was totally unoriginal but I was new to this. It was still good enough to get several messages left in my voice mail box which I collected that weekend. Most sounded duller than a party political broadcast. But one was OK. His name was Steve and he lived pretty nearby. I liked his voice and the fact that he described himself as someone who didn't take life too seriously. I was a sucker for a sense of humour.

That first date was terrifying. But very exciting. I felt like a school kid all over again. We met a few times and got on fantastically. But there was something missing. That spark, that little something extra. We both realised that we were destined to be best mates...but not lovers.

Despite the lack of romance, I was determined not to class it as a failure. It was a success. I'd had a few nights out, which beat Saturday night telly hands down. And I'd made a new friend. After that...I was hooked!

My second date in comparison, really was a disaster. I sat in my car on the beach where we'd agreed to meet. He was rallying his beach buggy up and down on the sand. I waited for the hunk of a man who'd replied to my latest ad to drive over and say hi. I had a picture of him that he'd posted to me, and couldn't wait to meet him in the flesh - he looked gorgeous! And here he was, racing on the beach like a character from Baywatch. I dreamed of how I wanted the next hour to go and drifted off into my own world of romance and sex Gods.

"Hello," came a shrill voice at the car window, suddenly, making me jump. "You must be Shelley. I'm Paul."

He smiled a big smile, revealing the best advert for going to the dentist I'd ever seen. He must have had two teeth if he had any at all! I burst out laughing hysterically, couldn't keep a straight face. He looked more like Paul Daniels than Paul the hunk I was expecting! Not only did he have the misfortune of no teeth and of looking nothing like the picture he'd sent me, which must have been easily twenty years old, but he was also cursed with the foulest of breath and had apparently had a complete personality bypass operation. Three hours later he was still talking about engineering over the same glass of orange juice. I wondered if the edge of my wine glass was sharp enough to cut my wrists.

Sadly for me, that wasn't the last nightmare date. It was the first of many. But as I became more experienced and confident, the nightmare dates began to split up into sub categories. There were the nightmare boring dates, the nightmare pervert dates, and the nightmare stalker dates.

At first, I often felt too mean or bad to say 'no thanks, not for me' as soon as I knew a man wasn't right for me. I'd endure painful nights out, even go on second dates with men I wouldn't have looked once at in the street. But several 'bored to tears' dates later, I became much better and stronger at saying 'no thanks'.

But it was the men who wouldn't take 'no' for an answer who were the worst...and the scariest. One man seemed perfect to start with. He was kind, caring, attentive. I received flowers delivered to my door, loving text messages, romantic meals. We had three dates in total. But I knew deep down he just wasn't my Mr Right, there was something about him but I didn't know what. After I told him, he changed completely, showed his true colours. I started getting viscous, evil text and phone messages, saying that I was an evil bitch who didn't deserve to be happy. He parked up outside my house for two days straight in his van. Never budged. He sent a text saying he knew where my mother lived and that he'd pay her a visit. I was terrified.

"If I ever see you again I'm going straight to the Police...you freak!" I screamed down the phone before hanging up. I never saw him again.

After that date, I gave it a rest for a few months. But the boredom soon crept back. And even a rubbish date seemed more appealing than a lonely night in on my own.

I turned to text dating. You submitted your post code and got texts from people in your area, looking for a date. It was a lot more successful than the paper for actually getting out and meeting people. I must have had ten dates in three or four months. People were braver with the text dating. No pics, no voices. The texts could often be very saucy. The danger was that each date was a totally blind date which had its obvious pitfalls. But there was an extra excitement too. Not knowing what to expect.

I always tried to be as careful as possible, arranging dates in public places and letting a friend know where I was going. I'd often turn up early for the date and case the joint. Once I turned up for a date and recognised the man I was supposed to be meeting from his description of what he was wearing. I was horrified. He looked more like 68 than 38. I felt slightly ashamed as I kept on walking right past him and straight back to the car!

The text dating produced a lot of dates, but no success. And an enormous phone bill. I stared in horror at my mobile bill for £350 one month. I soon stopped text dating after that.

"I'm on the net and having some great results," said Steve, the guy I'd met on my first ever date. "Give it a go."

He recommended a few dating sites and I logged on, built my profiles and uploaded my pics. He was right. The internet was a great way of meeting people. It was a simple case of there being so many profiles for both men and women to look at and email. It was almost overwhelming. In my first weekend on 'U Date', I got 33 messages! And from guys of all ages. The oldest was in his seventies, looking for a younger woman for a bit of no strings action. I laughed at the thought of seeing him naked. Thank God he didn't send me any pictures. Unlike so many other guys - who seemed to think that emailing me a disgusting photograph of their genitalia was all that they'd need to secure a hot night of passion with me at the nearest hotel!

Even gorgeous young lads as young as 19 and 20, desperate to get laid by a sexy older woman and report their conquest back to their pals, were convinced that a video of them masturbating would have me flocking to their bedrooms and stripping off. If I was supposed to be impressed, it wasn't working. If I was supposed to laugh until almost wetting myself, it was working a treat.



The other predator on these sites, as I discovered the hard way, was the married man. Twice, I met up with men who seemed perfect in every way, only to discover they had a wife and kids. One man really wooed me, picking me up in his Porsche and whisking me off to a luxury resort for the weekend. I fell for his charms and was convinced I'd found Mr Right. But the second we'd slept together, he broke my heart.

"You're not for me," he said coldly, "but if you want to meet up regularly just for sex then that's fine."

I was gobsmacked. I felt so used, so dirty. I'd never had a one night stand in all my life. Now, at 40, my record had been shattered.

"Get over yourself you creep," I yelled. "Who the hell do you think you are?"
It became painfully obvious that despite the high numbers of men on these websites, more than half of them were after only one thing...and it certainly wasn't love or romance.

I couldn't trust the pictures they posted as their own. I couldn't trust their description of themselves as honest, caring, single men looking for a serious relationship. And I couldn't trust myself not to fall for it again and again. 'Genuine' was a word used all too often on these profiles. But in reality, few actually were remotely genuine. But when you're lonely, a little affection and a bit of flattery, plus a bottle of wine can get a girl into situations that you wouldn't normally let happen.

One guy described himself as tall, muscular, handsome and Italian. He turned out to be 5ft 3" and had the build of the man off the Mr Muscle ads! There was more 'Italian' in my PVC handbag.

Another man from Bristol couldn't keep his hands off me from the other side of the table in the restaurant.

"You're gorgeous," he letched. "All my Christmas's have come at once. You're my dream woman."

He made me feel sick.

He gave me a lift home but when I turned down his offer of meeting again, he wouldn't let me out the car! It was funny at first, but an hour later I was still persuading him to let me out as he begged me to give him an other chance. I was genuinely terrified as I sat there, wondering what the hell I'd got myself into this time.

After two years of playing the dating game, I've earned the title 'Ice Maiden' from my friends. They think my problem is that I'm too fussy. But the truth is I'm an old romantic, and with one failed marriage to look back on, I'd rather wait for Mr Right than settle for Mr Right Now! I don't think I'm asking for too much. My dream man is no different to any other woman's. Tall, dark, handsome, muscular, intelligent, independent, kind, loving, and with a great sense of humour!

My latest adventure is speed dating. It's definitely a good way of meeting people, but it comes with no guarantees! I've had some great nights out, but sadly they're far out numbered by the amount of awful nights I've suffered. >From being bored to death, to having men not taking no for an answer, >to being practically stalked.

I've had love letters, proposals, churches booked for the big day after one date! Flowers left at the door, boxes of chocolates and bottles of wine...even a kebab and chips from the man up the road in the chip shop!

But for all the fun, it's very hard work being single at my age. Especially when some men won't look at your son as part of the package but more like unwanted baggage. I'm at the stage now where I don't even think I'll meet Mr right through the internet or any other dating method. But the truth is I'm addicted. I've tried refraining from dating in the past but it doesn't take too many nights in on your own for the dating to look like a good idea again.

I know I'm not the only one, there must be thousands of us out there looking for someone with that bit of something extra. Now, two years of dating later and still alone, I've had enough disaster dates to put most women off the idea for life.

I don't know if dating has become a void filler or a lifeline for me, but it's certainly an addiction. And as more and more dating possibilities and services spring up, I can see that loneliness is nothing if not big business. Ideally I'd like to meet a man in a more natural way. The websites are too clinical, too deliberate. There's no element of romantically bumping into a stranger, eyes meeting across a crowded room. The dating sites, text dating and even speed dating are all... to finding love, what IVF is to making babies!

Well, I've got to go now and get ready...I've got a date tonight!

Phone Call Stalker Was My Friend!

True stories related to dating and relationships

Phone Call Stalker Was My Friend!

From: Kerry D, Aldershot

I awoke slowly and groggily to the sound of my mobile phone blaring out its high pitched ringtone. I rolled over, consciousness slowly returning, and my first thought was the usual 'who the hell is phoning me at this hour?' My partner Tony stirred as I picked up my phone and pressed the green answer button. "Hello?" Nothing. I could hear faint movement noises, and someone breathing, but they didn't speak. "Hello?" I repeated, this time firmer with a hint of irritation in my voice.

Still nothing. Just the same shuffling and breathing. Whoever was there was listening to my voice, but refusing to speak. Finally, frustration got the better of me. "Oh fine, get lost then!" I hung up. As I placed the phone down on the bedside table, I glanced at my alarm clock. It read 5.45am. I shook my head angrily and snuggled back into my duvet for another hour or so's much needed sleep before I had to get up for work. It felt like I had only been asleep for minutes before I was abruptly awoken by that same high pitched ringing sound. I snatched up the phone and answered it. "Hello?" The same silence greeted me. I immediately ended the call and placed it back on the dresser. The clock read 6.45am - exactly one hour after the last call. I was furious. Someone out there was very sad if they had nothing better to do than sit and time prank calls this early in the morning. The same thing continued to happen each morning for the next month. At first I was angry but it wasn't until I went to visit my sick grandpa in Ireland that the problem started to scare me a bit. Whilst I was away, I didn't get one single call. On the day I returned, it started again straight away. I began to get worried by it all. If the calls had stopped while I was away, and started again the very same day I got back, then whoever was responsible must know exactly who I was, and worse still, they must have been watching me. My irritation started turning to fear. I found myself watching my back every time I left the house. I'd peer out of the curtains at every little noise coming from outside. Whenever I was in the house alone I would hear absolutely every creak or bang. I was terrified that whoever it was would get into the house. I had bouts of panic where I'd lock all the doors, close all the curtains and turn the TV or music on really loud to make myself feel less alone. It felt like I was going mad. Some days I would come home and the garden gate would be open. It looked as though furniture in the garden had been moved around. This really freaked me out. This wasn't just a perverted caller. I felt like I was being followed and watched. The calls themselves had started to get worse as well. Where there had been silence before, I could now hear heavy breathing, and sighing, as though whoever was there was touching themselves. It became really disturbing. I decided that the time had come to report the problem to my mobile phone service provider. I asked them if they could trace the line he was calling from and block any further calls coming through. The told me that unfortunately, they could only trace the last number that dialled my phone, and that they couldn't block the calls anyway. The only thing they could do was change my number, but unless I reported the matter to the police I would have to pay for this. I didn't see why I should be out of pocket because of this weird pervert, so I decided that I would go to the police like they suggested. An officer came round to my house and I made a statement. They told me that the chances were it would be someone we knew. This made me feel even worse! If the person knew me, they would know things about me. It made it personal. They said that to have any chance of catching the culprit, I needed to keep everything about what had happened to myself. I couldn't tell friends or family or people I worked with in case it scared the caller away. It was like torture. Everyone knew there was something wrong but I couldn't tell them what. I felt so isolated. Knowing it was probably someone I knew made me so untrusting of everyone. I found myself analysing every move anyone made looking for clues or suspicious actions. I became totally paranoid. As the stress got worse, it started to affect my relationship with Tony. We kept fighting and falling out over trivial things, and I thought we were going to split up at one point. The police suggested that the best thing I could do was change my number to stop it happening. A part of me agreed, but another part wanted this lunatic caught, and the only way to do this was to try and lure him into making a mistake, which would identify who he was. It was surely only a matter of time before he slipped up. They said that before they could trace the calls, we needed to log a certain amount. For days we sat with a notepad and pen by the bed, waiting for that familiar ringing sound. As soon as he called, we would write down what time he called, and anything he said. It was a horrible time for us, knowing exactly what was going to happen at the same time every day. When I answered it, my hands would be shaking, and I would feel sick at the thought of what I would hear down the line. Eventually, we gathered together a list of thirteen received calls, and we took it straight to the police. This time, they took it more seriously and said they would start investigating the problem right away. They found that the calls were being made from three main numbers, but annoyingly they could not be linked to any person as all three lines were connected to unregistered 'Pay As You Go' mobiles. We were so frustrated, knowing that this person would probably be able to just keep getting away with this for as long as he wanted. At times I just wanted to get my number changed and bring an end to it. But at the back of my mind was the knowledge that this idiot was probably watching me, and changing my number would not stop that. The only thing that would stop it was if he was caught. I knew that for this to happen I had to persevere and hope he made a mistake. Then suddenly, the calls stopped. Every day we anticipated the usual 5.45am wake up call, but it didn't come. It took a few weeks, but eventually I started to relax. Maybe this nutter had got wind of the fact the police were onto him and it had scared him off. Months passed with no contact, and I began to put my ordeal to the back of my mind. Tony and I were getting on better with all the stress lifted off us, and life started to return to normal. Then, in May this year, six months after the last call was received, I was awoken from a deep sleep by the sound of ringing. I shot upright and looked at the clock. 5.45am. Tony sat up and we both stared at the phone. "Here, let me answer it." He pressed the answer button and pressed the phone to his ear. My heart was pounding and I felt sick and was shaking as I waited, pleading for it to be anyone but him. A creepy voice on the other end of the line whispered, "Are you ok?" Tony began yelling a string of abuse down the line. I knew straight away that it was all going to start again. I sat on the bed and sobbed. I had really believed that it was over, and that we could go back to normal, but it had all started up again. I couldn't believe it. We went straight to the police, and they started trying to trace the calls again. It took ages to get the information, because of Data Protections Act rules, and when they did get the numbers they were linked to 'Pay As You Go' phones again. The calls continued in their usual pattern, every day for the next few months. Then, one night I invited all my friends over so we could all get our hair done. Tony was going out and I had a good girlie night in planned to take my mind off it. All my friends came round and we had a few drinks. Tony kept asking me if I was sure I'd be all right on my own, and I ended up snapping at him that I would be fine. I'm a very independent person and I hate being fussed over. I think he realised that he was fighting a losing battle because he picked up his car keys and left us to it after that! He had literally been gone a couple of minutes when my mobile rang. I grabbed it and answered it abruptly, expecting it to be him again checking that I was still ok five minutes after he'd last asked. "Are you ok?" a familiar creepy voice whispered. I stabbed at the red button, then sat down on the sofa, shaking with fear and shock. He must be watching the house - he had to be to know that Tony had left. This was the first call I'd had in the evening and it freaked me out because I never expected it. I phoned Tony straight away and told him. He was spitting blood and said that he was coming back straight away. When he came into the house he was shouting and screaming, threatening to kill whoever it was. My friends were stunned. They had no idea that there even was a caller, so seeing Tony in this blind rage scared the life out of them all. Everyone went home and we called the police. They promised to trace the call right away and let me know if they found anything new. I received a call at work a few days later. It was the police officer who had been investigating the incident. "Did you have any luck tracing that last call?" I asked her hopefully. "Yes, actually we did," she replied. "We've finally got a number that is linked to a registered contract mobile. Obviously it doesn't necessarily mean that it belongs to your caller. He may have just helped himself to someone else's phone. But it's a lead." "Well who does it belong to?" I demanded, partly terrified, partly excited at the new development and the fact that we could be close to catching him. "I can't actually say - its confidential information. But I have to ask you, do you know anyone in Bordon?" I thought about it for a few seconds, then listed a couple of people that I knew there. When I mentioned the name of Grahame I heard the police officer clear her throat. "Its not Grahame is it?" I asked, not expecting in a million years for the answer to be yes. Grahame was an old friend of mine. I'd met him five years before when he was going out with my friend Ellen. They got together when Ellen left her husband, and when they had nowhere to stay I'd put them up. Grahame and I had become quite good friends during this time. He would pick me up from work, cook tea for us all. Come on nights out with us. Even after he and Ellen had split up we'd kept in touch and chatted about our lives and what was going on over a beer from time to time. The police officer paused on the line. "I'm not going to lie to you. The last call came from a phone registered to someone of that name. We can't link the rest of the calls to him, but chances are, it's been him all along." I burst into tears at my desk at the thought of an old friend like Grahame making all those sick calls and tearing my life apart like that. It just didn't make any sense. Why would he do that? I sat all day just staring into space with my head in my hands. Eventually my boss called me in, and told me to go home if I couldn't leave my personal problems behind when I came to work. I explained what had happened, and she was more understanding, but I seriously could have lost my job as well as my partner over all of it. Grahame was taken in for questioning, and his details were checked through the police computer system. They discovered that one of the numbers I had been receiving the calls from, had been given by Grahame to police officers months before when reporting an incident he'd witnessed. Grahame Place appeared in court in October 2004 and eventually, after denying all knowledge of it from the start, pleaded guilty to the charges. I wanted him to get his comeuppance, but instead he was served a £75 fine and ordered to do 80 hours community service. For two years I'd been put through hell. I nearly lost my partner and my job, I was suffering from extreme paranoia as a result of what I'd been through, yet that was all the punishment he got. The only consolation we had was when we heard that Police had searched his house in front of his then girlfriend. Friends told me that, disgusted to find out what sort of a man he was, she packed her bags and left him. I'm glad to say that my life is pretty much back to normal. I think it will be a while before I completely get over what has happened. I'm still very edgy because of it. But Tony and I are getting on well, and I'm settled in my job again. I'm not a violent person, but if I ever meet that man again, I don't know what I'd do.